Nourish Change. '05

One day at a time,
Each breath heavy and slow,
I'll choke back desire,
I can stand on my own,
The Shepard broke my legs,
And carried me home,
Believe in me and I'll convince myself it's ok,
But don't hold my hand,
Palms are sweaty and together we may slip,
I won't drown your day with my heartbreak story,
Just watch me grow with a loosened grip,
It could have been worst,
I could have never known,
Better to love and thirst,
Than to never reap what you've sown,
Lesson after lesson I learned with my first,
I'll the buy them in bulk,
Carry my burden with pride,
Break my heart muscle, let it reconstruct stronger,
I believe in the strength of spirit,
So keep my chin up and look straight ahead,
Never look back, nor too far ahead,
Content with my goals and where I am,
An icon of grace and recipient of mercy,
Proud to be the humble black lamb,
I'll tip my hat and learn to kurtsy.

Harlot. '06

An intensity
A tightened neck lifting towards my loose heart
If only it could be loyal
Attach to a wall of Security
A womb it wants not
It's unfaithful love was self taught
Oh
Oh my feeble mouth
A pouring out of aged words in salted cup
A rare wine soiled when you drink it up
Parched sea sponge, where is your beauty
Was your life not sucked dry then thrown away?
Or is that you only thirst for yesterday?
I am reaching for can not be grasped
Only memory so I'll close my eyes and blink to swallow the lump
I can not will not Sam
My moral has come
But to just to taste once more
Oh my Lord if I could live while my wretched heart could burn
To watch it blister would comfort me so
The blood in my veins could dry and my flesh peel away
Claw my flesh and maybe my soul could stay...
Maybe it lives and thinks of me too
Lubricated connection
My memory I miss you

Handcuffing the Pillow '06

I've always been a girl to embrace the sunset,
Although I hate good byes,
I love endings,
So much I often skip until the end of the book,
But my ending....I do not wish,
To me an ending should bring a new beginning,
Not close doors to possibilities,
Wow, it'almost like you never knew me,
You were so anxious for a free spirit,
So quick to clip my wings,
And hold me for your pet,
I can't breath,
Sometimes your cage is so much I can not outstretch my wings,
Unless I sing you a song,
Tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet,
Like most Americans you don't always appreciate a sonnet,
More like a peg-legged pet,
A sunny compact travel friendly bonnet,
Put me in the center and watch me dance,
Until you couldn't keep up,
Then it's-"sit-down, shut up",
I don't know what was worse,
The back of a hand, or holding yours,
I don't like games,
I'd rather not play,
Let me see the sunshine,
Let me embrace a new day,
I don't want to watch behind a closed curtain,
There's a steamy handprint on the glass,
If you continue to suck up my spirit,
I promise this will never last,
Just let me be,
please...let me be

Love's Pergatory. '06

Listless and i try not to let my mind wander,
Panting and i dare not hold my breath,
Fainting as the feelings become stronger,
Is this leading to life or slow death,
Crossroads
Close my eyes and touch my nose
Denial
If only I knew what was in my perefial vision
Fear not
For he is in my presence
But where
Where
If only trying to live my life for him was enough
If only he could tell what was right from wrong
If only what seemed right had a neon sign
buzzing, blinking,
"look here, I'm what you're seeking"
Lonesomeness is comforting
At least i know i'm feeling
At least I know that is real
I dare not hold my breath for this
I do not close my eyes for this kiss
These warm lips

The Unsolicted Meaning of Life. Nov '08

Warm and Safe in my marketed cocoon,
I bought loyalty,
Now I want to swoon,
With one foot planted,
I can not help but want more more more,
Willing to give anything,
Than long for what I had before,
Self pity and empty heads,
While a child across the street is hungry and without a bed,
"My espresso has become stale",
I complain,
"I would rather have Premium than drink my money in vein",
Oh, my vanity of ignorance,
Pamper myself in peity,
I must be above myself to be better,
In this toil,
This commercialized life,
We forget about Meaning, Love,
And ultimatley, "Why".
There is so much more than free markets,
The Socialized Soul for Sale,
There is no grey area,
Only heaven,
And Hell,
Strife is angry,
While indifference is death,
Do not be the fool just lie,
Enjoy each breath,
Jesus is sacrifice more than Sunday clothes,
Lifting up Jezebel's Skirt to see the slip show,
Your dying sheeps,
With rotten oats sown.

Oil and Vinegar '05

It's in the way I see our future,
The way I see our past,
The entwined memories of our souls story
The feeling I can not get past,
I looked into your eyes and I saw love,
I looked into your eyes and what was to come,
I saw the moment I would feel love,
I saw the first time I felt our mouths touch,
It's when time stopped my heart melted the ice that protected
I swear in this life and the next I could harbor enough passion to burn a thousand bridges,
It's our love- together we could take over the world,
To the moon and back
To middle earth and heaven,
You keep my head intack,
Now I'm broken,
Vulnerable
Lying on my back,
Puzzle piece, remember,
You can't take that back,
Thief, King of a thousand tears,
Misery painted red what already burned bright,
Thief, King of a thousand years,
My life given up in waiting for what could never be,
I'll sit and rock hugging my knees,
My world echoes
My shadow encompassed by what I can not see,
What could have been, or to be,
For we are nothing without we.

Falling In Love. April '06

World Spinning
I run- but not fast enough
With a word you slowed everything around me
For a brief moment I felt your warmth without a touch
Felt your breath with a dizzy hush
A connection in a way I did not think to be possible
How does it fit into God's mastered plan
Convert my heart to image of Jesus framed as a man
Inspire me to change my mind
Conpsire me to walk faithfully blind
Jesus I pray that I will continue to grow in the sunshine of your wisdom
Your path Father
I don't want to love unless it is granted
Sigh- I can't walk beside what I saw possible
Wretched distance our moment I'll cherish
I wonder if you know that you stole my heart
If you asked I would have stayed up all night
Forgive me though my heart's too weak to fight
If it's forever that you're searching
I could be your accountability, sister, and wife
You could be my inspiration, brother and light
World Spinning
A frozen moment passed,
Oppurtunity for the indescrible
Only a memory to last
And that can be enough
God gave what I needed when I didn't ask
Through you he opened my eyes to real love
A burning passion for Christ
The world so beyond myself
A concept you also realized and grabbed my hand
You offered to prevent me from slipping- but I was so afraid
But if it's God's will it will be
The powerful force of love is beautiful, and unfathomable- therefore beyong me

The Aftertaste. March '06

I'm holding on steadfast
To an idol that will never last
Unexpected years I never meant to give
What didn't belong to me
I'm still falling
The blur of my flesh is all that I can see
Is this what was expected
Was lust my bait to fall
Did I fail in the attempt to prove
To keep what I never had at all
So easy to say
Such a graceful plan
When the trumpet sounds one day
Where do I stand
A woman trying to be worldly
A yound lady proud of her burden
Who am I becoming
That I continue to see my Father hurting
Thirsting
Outstretched for the rain
Fall on top of this heart
I mean that I want nothing
On my knees I cry for the lost
My heart so dry and empty i feel sick
Dizzy, meek and unworthy
I want more for my vein
I'm crying so hard I can not catch my breath
I know.......
one more prayer
Break me
Shatter my walls, tear my flesh
Till I'm nothing at all
Take my addiction to inappropriate affection for this world
I've found my girl
In brokenness and bleeding
I reach for faithfullness

Czech Republican. March '04

Wet paint on top of this heart,
Cold tears left out for sick,
An infinite Depth for layers,
No key for this locked diary,
Searching for table scraps,
You made me your bitch,
Search for what you already found,
You are an idiot,
Long for the lost,
Give away your gift,
I will write the words to your songs,
Even though there are none to my melodies,
I can not untie the riddled tongue,
March on suffocating in your heracies,
Drain the poris hearts of new beginnings,
Old pain will rust a titanium strength,
Finish me,
I am broken.

Equality. March '05

It's not fair that I give all that I can,
That I have no more to give,
I reach out to receive no hand,
Out of reason to live,
I am not who I have invisioned myself to be,
Not proud of who I am,
Hate was a cancer to my hearts plea,
Wash me in the blood of the Lamb,
One lie to protect me from myslef,
Has lead to many with no way out,
Stress is decaying my stability,
Healthy love has become a doubt,

And how can I love,
How can I without meeting it exposed?
How can I trust when I only know letting down,
I am screaming out loud and nobody knows.
Listen,
You can not hear a sound,

A veteran to the laws of physics,
I still cling to what I believe could turn out to be good,
But if I watch nature's arithmetic,
I would know being drawn to sin is what they should,

I take advantage of the dawn each day,
I take advantage of each hug given,
If I close my eyes and listen to what mt desire would say...
Perhas ambition could be driven,

I have never had a more confusinf relationship than with God,
Because I began to listen with my "head".
With my faith I should have fought,
And used my Heart instead,

It's not fair I gave all I could,
It's not fair for you I have no more,
My fleeting thoughts have changed so much,
My happiness a whore.

Stripping Away Forgivness. March '05

Numb can't you feel,
Spite where did you go,
Her heart grew colder,
Does apathy make you bold?
Look what you did,
You left her crying,
Full of hopes,
Inside Dying,
Don't you know...
What you do?
When your actions don't show,
Now all she has are memories of you,
You took away her dreams,
Raped her of her love,
It seems to me,
That you will never have enough,
Why would you lie,
Feed her false hugs,
No breath left to sigh,
You were her drug,
She could have had better,
Someone to fill her with worth,
Now she will never know shelter,
Because you filled her with hurt.

A blank page for a later date. Sept '07

What is this struggle,
A self hatred and desire for change..
When I self embrace,
I am not so estranged,
A lost of faith in others and desire to comply,
Dress in falshoods and prevent a tongue to lie.
My heart,
It stills beats, yet, it pumps defeated,
A life of honey and I feed upon salt,
So thirsty.
Do I really believe I can run a marathon parched?
Muscles pumping dust,
Brittle bones,
Leather skin,
Mouth cornered with rust,
Licking lust off the floor,
A timid toe to walk among wolves,
A fear to ruin,
Caged Passion,
I can feel a scream rise to my throat,
Rather than truth,
I chose to gloat,
..........................................................................
Dote on you,
Allow you to prune in a puddle of indulgance,
I will try not to choke on the sea I spew,
God:
This word you gave me,
Can I sing?
A mockingbird or a Raven,
Hunting Season,
But I will not fear,
Give me wings and ears to hear.

My God of Ambiguity. March '05

It is in the skies that I feel small,
Unimportant and full of purpose,
Looking at the unintelligent medley of pride,
It is then I am wiped over and tried,
of the proven and not evident,
The clouds breathe sighs of gratification,
The sun breaking through,
The harmony of brass light,
Angry clouds now,
Whispering content,
Fluff and flat palet pulling together animosity,
Listless life and structure,
The lesson learned of good always triumphs,
A life trusting its hero when in danger,
Clinging to their chest,
War.
Pain.
Anger.
Shame.
Aloof.
In this storm there is proof.

Behind the Veil. -October '05

If you want to know the secrecy behind my grey eyes,
You must be still and patient,
Entertainment waste you must see through,
For I am a woman wo weaves her words in waiting,
Wisdom and cander,
Beneath a Buttery Coat to please the senses,
I am an acquired craving and a nicotine patch,
It is easy to get close,
But do not become attached,
Cholstophobic when confined,
Impulsive and Refined,
Culturd while raised in a conservative town,
Same weather all year round,
Its easy to have knowledge and still become confused,
Easier for kindness to become abused,
Sometimes the discreet overwhelming kindness is cloaked with cold,
Not always blessed with the ability to be bold,
But I will bleed my heart to feed you vein,
Take a loss for your gain.

Uncomfortable Humor.

"Never kick a Dead Dog."
I once heard this quote from a well stature man during a sermon. His point of course being, "Do strive to do what has been and cannot be undone." This was also supposed to be comic relief, I suppose that was the moment that we were all encourage to laugh, joining him at the joy of satirical humor. The only thing I could imagine was an under-nourished redneck kicking a decomposing dog. (Drinking Bud, because that is what uneducated rednecks drink) (I'm not sorry for saying that either). What kind of an analogy is that?
Dark. Not Amusing. In fact, nauseating.
Really though. How many of these "figures of speech" are people repeating out of an attempt for someone to identify with them. When in actuality they are just plain....ridiculous.

What are some you've heard recently?
Tell me some good, I mean really good Silly ones.

Here are a Few of My Favorite Things

I really enjoy singing.
Playing Guitar.
Writing. Mmmmm. Only if it's a matter of the heart.
Vintage Art. I like how it pops.
Stillness.
The Beach.
My Son's "Roley" thighs.
Invisible Ideals.
Yellow.
Smiles.
Chaos.
Intricacies.
Secrets.
Being a Woman.
Sunrise, and about two hours before sunset when everything's Golden.
Captain Crunch.
Hiking.
The smell of dirt.
Naps in the grass.
Laughing until my cheeks hurt.
BOOKS.
Mark Twain.
Breathing.
Family.
True Love.
Necks & Feet.
Freckles.
Friends.
Kisses.
Jesus Christ.
Forgivness.